Posted 22 days ago. (This place is already rented, or something is wrong with it.)
See photos here. (See one ill-framed photo of outside of building from across the street. Posted twice.)
CHARMING (tiny-as-fuck) one bedroom (studio with a dividing wall) mere steps from the ocean (approximately 11,255 steps). CLEAN LOWER UNIT. GREAT for quiet, active professional. (If you’re never home, you’ll be happy living here.) Upstairs neighbor stomps back-and-forth and drops bowling balls at unexpected times. Hours she’ll be quiet: 4:00 AM to 6:00 PM. Her mattress contains full Pepsi cans and squirrels. She has a new boyfriend. He will be living with her (sponging off her) within three weeks. She works odd hours. (He doesn’t work.) Remember sleep? You don’t need sleep. Sleep is for pussies. (Bonus: constant police helicopters.)
Newly remodeled (fresh coat of paint). NEW laminate flooring (not hardwood). NEW hardware. (We spent a few extra bucks on drawer handles.) Water damage to ceiling is minimal. (Apartment might contain mold.) MUST SEE to appreciate.
GREAT LOCATION! Peek-a-boo view of sliver of saltwater if you stand on your tiptoes and crane your neck to look through bathroom window. Bathroom is airplane-size. Shower fits one person if you don’t raise your arms. Watch your elbows. Shower drain will be plugged within two weeks.
Includes kitchenette. (An Easy Bake Oven and a half-size refrigerator against a back wall under a two-foot strip of linoleum.) Microwave optional ($50 fee).
Walk-in closet (as long as you bend down so you don’t hit your head). Other storage space: small cabinet under bathroom sink and two kitchen cabinets (that won’t be tall enough for your glassware, but you won’t realize it until you move in, and then it will be too late). Shelf paper necessary (not included).
Small outdoor patio three feet from neighboring building, which will be under construction indefinitely. (Patio furniture not allowed.)
Coin-op laundry in creepy basement dungeon no one will ever clean but you. Washing machine holds equivalent of half a load. Dead cockroaches free of charge. Other tenants will use your detergent.
Street parking only. Parking available between 11:00 AM and 3:00 PM Monday through Friday. (Approximately the same hours you’ll be able to sleep.) All other hours: Build in an extra 30 minutes of drive time, waiting for someone to leave so you can parallel park approximately 1.3 miles from your front door. Between 10:00 PM and 8:00 AM, don’t bother coming home. Use Lyft often. Must move car twice a week for street sweeping. Expect front license plate to be smashed during the first six months of lease.
Five-year wait list for one-car garage.
Easy drive to the 405. Good luck once you’re on the 405.
Best wishes hanging framed posters in plaster.
Squeaky ceiling fan in lieu of A/C.
Cable ready. (The unit will be cable ready as soon as you call the cable company and have them install cable. Your DVR will never quite work correctly in this CHARMING 1920s building.)
Owner pays for cold water and gardener. Gardener comes at 7:00 AM on Saturday.
NO DOGS. FUCK DOGS. YOU CAN’T HAZ DOGS. Cats are fine.
Note: If you own a bike, it will get stolen.
CALL FOR MORE DETAILS. Do not email us on this super convenient website. We will not respond, nor will we check messages, defeating the purpose of this super convenient website.
Rent is $4,950. Deposit is $5,025. Extra deposit for your cat (NO DOGS): $500. Due at lease signing: first, last, second to last, deposit, pet deposit. Available yesterday. Contact immediately. Competition is fierce. If you’re reading this, it’s probably too late.
This one bedroom (287 sq. ft.) is cheaper than the average one bedroom in this area by $237.